Build Me Up

I have spent countless hours staring at this blank sheet of paper writing and re-writing everything that’s going through my mind. but it’s like trying to watch the conductor stop the ride while you’re on the tea-cups. it’s impossible. the hardest thing I have ever had to do. and now as I sit here with my thoughts racing like bullets and my heart beating fast I can’t find it in myself to build up enough courage to accept everything. I have been a fighter my whole life and I’m not going to stop right now. every morning I wake up just to check my phone to see if you texted me. and every night before I fall asleep you’re the last person I think about. I may not be smart but I’m not dumb. I know that things have changed. and I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I told you that I would seriously think about things and that’s all I have done all day. starring at all these letters just appear on the screen infront of me made me realize that most things in life are just black and white. simple and plain. there’s nothing to the world except day and night. nothing to aim the sun rays at. nothing is here to stare at the stars when the moons bright. and nothing but a world full of people who could care less about a simple 18 year old girl with no sense of direction. my own hopelessness has ruined every ounce of potential I ever had. and I have nothing to show for my life. I wish I did but iv never managed to keep anything steady long enough to call it living. if there’s one thing that I’m sure of, it’s that I always had one dream. the one thing iv always wanted most in life was to die young. I wanted to leave before anything got worse and before I had no reason to stay. and I can tell you that my dream hasn’t changed much. most nights before I fall asleep I stare at the sky forever hoping to eventually see a shooting star. I’d close my eyes and say my one wish over and over again until I was brave enough to open them again and search the sky for that one stream of light that hides from me. it’s never showed itself and I’ve convinced myself that it never will. some people aren’t meant to have wishes and dreams and some dreams aren’t mean to come true. I honestly can’t tell you how much you mean to me and how much you’ve changed my life. but I can tell you that I’m sorry. I don’t care if you won’t accept it or don’t understand my apology but just take it for what it’s worth. I’m sorry for ruining it. I’m sorry for being fist and stubborn and selfish. and I’m especially sorry for not being involved in your life. someday I truly do want to meet your friends and I would love nothing more than to meet your mom. she seems like a very kind, strong, heavy hearted woman and I can tell that she passed a lot of her good spirits on to you. I’m sorry for sometimes getting bitching and I’m sorry for being such a terrible girlfriend. I didn’t deserve to be blessed with such an amazing person in my life and I should have been greatful from the start. instea of greatful I felt lucky. like it was chance or a gamble that had bets made. but it wasn’t like that at all. meeting you was like a dream come true. I finally had a friend and someone to talk to everyday. someone to share stories with and someone to make me laugh when I needed to the most. so again I’m sorry for everything and I’m sorry that I keep writing to you like this. a month ago I would have never believed that I could open up to someone and really express my feelings but now that I’ve overcome that and taken the time to write to you I’m sure you’ll understand why I never thought I could. my deepest thoughts and most honest feelings always come out through writing. it’s my get away spot. my personal way of releasing everything and the easiest way to explain myself. iv never wrote a letter quite like this and I understand if you don’t even bother to read this. but just know that you’re special. and someday I know that when someone tells you that, you’re going to believe them.

p.s I’m not writing in hopes for sympathy or a desperate plea to call you mine again, I’m simply writing to you because I have no where else to turn to and I feel so lost and miserable and unsatisfied with the type of person I have recently been. I know I’m not perfect or talented or smart or beautiful but I do know that I’m not afraid. nothing in this world could ever hurt as much as realizing that the person who I thought I might have loved, doesn’t love me back. but in the end, everything ends happily ever after right? thanks for everything and thanks for being honest with me. <3always